When I was pregnant with baby #2, I bought my son a doll and a toy stroller. When I cam home from the hospital, he held his baby as I held mine. He changed his baby when I changed mine and he pushed his baby in the stroller, well you get the idea. He loved his baby sister, his dolly and his big-brother status. This little tip passed along to me by my brother-in-law worked like a charm. Until...the baby began to crawl and scream and demand my full and undivided attention. She grabbed his toys. She knocked over his towers. She pulled his hair whenever he was in her arm's reach so holding both of them or sitting both on my lap at the same time became nearly impossible.
Now the baby stands up, holding on to the furniture and the walls, and walks around the house. My son routinely knocks her down whenever he thinks I am not looking. (Of course even if I don't see it happen every time, a crying baby sprawled on the floor and a guilty-faced toddler standing over her is fairly damning evidence.) Usually I pick up the baby and put my son in time out. Then I talk to him about how we love the baby and we don't hurt her. The fact that he repeats the behavior 10 minutes later should have told me that this approach isn't working but Terry Brazleton's column in today's TU told me as much as well. He stresses that you have to acknowledge your toddler's feelings of jealousy and anger toward the baby, not remind him that he loves the baby. By validating his feelings, he can work through them and move on. I will try this new approach the next time he pushes her over, probably in about half an hour.
So, ladies, what strategies do you have for me and all the other moms (and moms-to-be) for increasing family harmony and helping siblings get along?
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3 comments:
I don't know that I have any hard evidence of any method working, although I definetely agree about let children express negative feelings. This book had been recommended to me:
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
I do also think it is important to give each child individual attention on a regular basis. This is a lot of times very hard, but it gives them their own identity and makes them feel extra special. Bella thinks it is the best thing in the world when just she and I go out and run errands!
Danielle
Oh, I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who has an older child that can't keep her hands off the younger child. Luckily mine isn't body slamming the little one but she is always in her face. It can be so annoying and frustrating. I just love that she loves her sister so much but, please, give her some space! She especially loves to grab her head.
I agree with Danielle's point about the individual time for each child. This definitely helps. Also showing the older one how they can help you with the younger one seems to help a little too.
One thing that makes me smile over the whole thing is that there will be pay back! In the not too distant future my little one will probably worship the ground the older one walks on and will not ever leave her alone!!
Probably when we moved to Eugene and Ian was almost 1 year old - Maya and I began to do some 'gals' stuff - like go tot he market together, or attend a story time together without little brother toted around. This was 'mom' time and she loved that. I think I'm pretty fortunate that for the most part Maya didn't get in Ian's way---but I do catch myself constantly saying - please get something for Ian if what you want is currently in his hands (as in - she GRABS stuff out of his hand...and then well, there's a crying little guy!). Also - I try to sit down and play with both of them, but then at times - instead of being 'active' just being more passive and observing how the 2 can resolve a difference as it arises...with me being on the ground w/ them, I can hopefully try to avoid something getting too physical, and everyone can try to 'use words' to fix the situation! (easier said than done...i know!)
In being in the world of having 2 children; as 1 of them now in kindergarten (4-5 hours no longer at home!) My relationship with Ian is changing - as in he needs WAY more attention from me (slowing down my moving in process! which i know, will all come together in time!) We are having a great time playing, reading books, and not doing any household chores..and when I do want to do some - Ian says 'Help You!'. And when Maya is back at home - well, he is more than enthusiastic to be her shadow, do what she does, play like she plays, or just 'plain' be 'entertained' by watching his big sister be 'the veterinarian', the 'ballet dancer' the 'healthy eater at the dinner table' etc. etc. Hang in there! This sibling stuff can definitely get hairy at times!
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