Family Harmony, or How to Get your Toddler to Stop Body-slamming the New Baby

When I was pregnant with baby #2, I bought my son a doll and a toy stroller. When I cam home from the hospital, he held his baby as I held mine. He changed his baby when I changed mine and he pushed his baby in the stroller, well you get the idea. He loved his baby sister, his dolly and his big-brother status. This little tip passed along to me by my brother-in-law worked like a charm. Until...the baby began to crawl and scream and demand my full and undivided attention. She grabbed his toys. She knocked over his towers. She pulled his hair whenever he was in her arm's reach so holding both of them or sitting both on my lap at the same time became nearly impossible.
Now the baby stands up, holding on to the furniture and the walls, and walks around the house. My son routinely knocks her down whenever he thinks I am not looking. (Of course even if I don't see it happen every time, a crying baby sprawled on the floor and a guilty-faced toddler standing over her is fairly damning evidence.) Usually I pick up the baby and put my son in time out. Then I talk to him about how we love the baby and we don't hurt her. The fact that he repeats the behavior 10 minutes later should have told me that this approach isn't working but Terry Brazleton's column in today's TU told me as much as well. He stresses that you have to acknowledge your toddler's feelings of jealousy and anger toward the baby, not remind him that he loves the baby. By validating his feelings, he can work through them and move on. I will try this new approach the next time he pushes her over, probably in about half an hour.
So, ladies, what strategies do you have for me and all the other moms (and moms-to-be) for increasing family harmony and helping siblings get along?

Stuff to Give and Take

Happy New Year! It seems that this is the season for getting rid of the old to make room for the new. Stacey recently listed some items that she is looking to get rid of and I thought that it would be helpful to keep a on-going list here on our blog. Please specify if you are looking to sell items, give them away or if they are things you are in need of. If someone lists something you are interested in, don't blog back. Instead contact that person directly via email. Also, I think it would be helpful in this case to list your items as "comments" and not "new posts". That way others can just click on this post and see what is there. I hope this helps people find good homes for their stuff, and helps others get some good stuff for not a lot of cash!

Avoidance , Avoidance, Avoidance!

That's my way of coping with Christmas stress; I deny the fact that it's coming for as long as I can. I avoid shopping in stores I know are Christmas targets. If I have to go to the mall, I go in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week (I can do this because I'm spoiled by the fact that I'm a SAH mom). If I can help it I try to avoid rush hour traffic (which in this area seems to last about three hours on each end of the day). I used to try to deny my child his Santa Clause, "Sure Santa exists, but he's really just a person whose job is to spread holiday joy. Mommy and Daddy are the ones who get your presents." But damn those kids and their insistence on believing in the most unrealistic myths. And most importantly, I wait until the absolute last second to buy presents. I can often be found putting the finishing touches on wrapped gifts on the way to our destination, having to witness them being torn apart by greedy kids 10 minutes later.

I don't think this is really useful information for anyone. It's probably more depressing, but that's my method. I don't know where my hatred of Christmas comes from, but I'm sure working at the mall four Christmases in a row while I was in college had something to do with it. Basically, I have an extreme aversion to all the gift giving and greediness. In our culture Christmas seems to have become a holiday of over-consumption. Unfortunately I can avoid it for only so long. Eventually it comes to my house.

Like many other people, we long ago stopped exchanging gifts with the adults in the family. Currently it's only the kids. And when Jacob was born I create the one gift rule. There are three sets of grandparents, a set of great aunt and uncle, five aunts and uncles (along with cousins) who buy presents for Jacob. One present per family unit is more than enough for our son, but for some reason, a few of the aforementioned choose to flat out ignore our wishes. I just got word that a certain family member (unrelated to me) is bringing five gifts for Jacob this year. That kind of disrespect for our values fills me with something more akin to rage than holiday cheer. They think we have no right to tell them how many gifts they can get for our son.

Ouch, sorry to be such a grump. Like I said, I don't have any answers. If anyone has any idea how to get the 'people' to stop over-gifting I would love to hear some ideas!

re: Sanity Savers???

Hmmm - this is a challenging one. I mean, this is coming from a 'moms club' alumni of sorts who in the past 8 or perhaps 9 weeks have moved from CA to NV, living back with mom and dad and my 2 kids, traveled to NY for 4 weeks, returned to NV for 1, now with my in laws for 1 and back to NV for 1, then back in NY for another month---which is 'THE' Christmas month! Where do I begin? (and I didn't even share the move from OR to CA for heaven's sake!)

Honestly, I don't really stress out too bad, and when I do - I wish I could just get out and run it all out! But since that does not happen with a 5&1/2 year old telling me constantly how much she loves high school musical, singing so many tunes, or analyzing our day...(hmm, i wonder where she gets that from) and my almost 2 year old competing with his sister in volume and showmanship 'MOM! Watch THIS MOM WATCH THIS!!!!' Well - there's no time to RUN! Although come to think of it, in NV - I have been making a point of going to swim at least 1 or 2 times a week. We also stick to Library Runs that are followed by some Christmas errands here or there...I also try to include the kids in the 'wrapping' or gift making of things (for example: for the 3 new babies born into our extended familyh - we decorated onesies with fabric ink and the kids relaly loved that! we got the task of gift giving/making done and doing a fun activity w/ the kids all at once!

So - I try to be as much as a 'planner' as possible. Stretching things out on a list (of many) on a calendar...for example - I think this is the earliest time of the year that I have already: 1) baked 5 different batches of cookie dough, it's ready in the freezer to be baked another day 2) I also attempted black friday shopping but limited it to 'target' and the neighboring stores around it which were michael's, nordstrom rack, and pier one...with a quick treat at Krispy Cream soon after! and my 'list' of shopping is DONE! If I can really stick to this - I will have avoided 'over spending', 'over eating' (i hope - of cookies), and now just have the GINGERBREAD House to do! I can't wait!!! (if anyone needs the recipe from last year's extravaganza just ask:)

I'm not sure this answers the ? of sanity savers. But I do often take time to breathe, think about what it is we are celebrating for Christmas and try to think - what have I done today to 'enjoy' this special time...and this may sound corny - but lately the kids and I have very much enjoyed A very Charlie Brown Christmas on TV and I'm looking forward to Rudolph and Frosty too! Thanks to Peggy - we do have the Christmas Carol station on MOST of the time (especially in the car, if H.S. Musical wasn't already requested before I even being to MOVE my car)!

So - if that helps at all - this is how I get through this time and actually enjoy it. I think of those less fortunate than us, those without a home, no family, no one to even think about to share a gift with or afford to buy for...again somewhat cheesy of me to write, but very real. Looking forward to reading other women's thoughts! I have to get to bed!

Sanity Savers

It's not even December and the hum of Christmas-related activity is almost deafening. As if the combination of Christmas shopping, cookie baking, party planning, picture taking, house cleaning, Santa seeking and card sending isn't enough the send you into a frenzy, the holidays always bring forth an array of emotions, both positive and negative, that can send even the sanest among us right over the proverbial edge.
So what can we do to keep it all together while still making the season special for our little ones, and a little special for ourselves as well?
A short little story to illustrate a point: I used to be a teacher. The day before Christmas break was guaranteed to be the most frenectic day of the year. (We used to joke - how could it be both the shortest day of the year and the longest day of the year?) Anyway, one year we had a snow day on that day, the day before break. Parties were cancelled, gifts were left unopened, cookies uneaten and cards unsent. When we came back to school in January, it was business as usual. The box of undelivered cards and gifts on my desk reminded me of how crazy things had been before break. Everything that seemed so important at the time - getting just the right gift, writing just the right thing in the cards, what to wear, what to bake and which of the various parties to attend after school on that last day - seemed both far away and trivial.
From this experience comes my sanity-saver. When things get a little too crazy around here, I remind myself that Christmas is one day. Though it is special and magical, especially as seen through the eyes of a child, it is still only one day out of a 365 special and magical days. In January, it's still business as usual. This little thought helps not overspend and stress out too much.
So, here's the question: What do you do or think about to keep all the holiday craziness in perspective?

To Send or Not to Send...

Recently Collleen asked the question via email, so I thought I would post it here as well: How sick is too sick to send a child to daycare/school, and when do we call his or her bluff? The first issue seems pretty clear but we all know that when the morning arrives and your little one is complaining "I don't feeeeel goooood", it can become a moment of indecision. Vomitting seems like a no-brainer, as does diarrhea, but what about a runny nose? A slight fever? Understandable tiredness after a late night? A rash? A few months ago, I thought a rash was a reason to keep a child quarantined but now my baby is going on week 4 of a rash. After three visits to the doctor, he still says she's fine and it will go away soon and to go on with our lives.

The second issue is, I believe, harder to deal with as a parents and as Colleen has attested, more guilt-inducing: when you don't believe that your child is really sick, but he or she is complaining of illness and wants to stay home. My first reaction is to say, "I don't want to go either but we have to. Get up, get dressed and let's go!" But what if he really is sick and you've just made him push himself and feel more miserable and get even sicker? Of course if you let him stay home, what kind of message are you sending? Here's where the guilt comes in.

Please comment on one or both topics. We'd love advice from teachers and daycare providers as well as all those mothers who have been there, done that. Thanks ladies!

Some Ambivalence; Some Regret

In the four years since Jacob was circumcised, I haven't given it too much thought; although I am told by some people that I was more opinionated about it in the past, I just don't remember that. I'm always talking about how motherhood has such an immediacy to it, that the things which effect us as mothers in the present are the only things we're concerned about. Maybe it's just me though, maybe I have a bad memory, or I'm selfish. The thing is I really don't remember being that passionately against circumcision, but that does sound like me, doesn't it?

When I was pregnant with Jacob I was 22, just finishing college, and so tired. I didn't have the energy to research things like circumcision in great detail and Zach and I were struggling to come to compromises about different parenting issues when we hadn't expected to be parents just yet. Zach wanted our baby circumcised if it was a boy and I did not. But I had to let him win on something, and that was the thing I gave him. It's a stupid excuse, but that's all I've got and I wish I had done it differently because of research I've read since giving birth.

I do have to agree with Laura in that there don't seem to be any lasting traumatic effects Jacob suffered because of his circumcision. I also agree that there's nothing medically necessary about it. It is purely cosmetic, but if pressed I probably couldn't tell you what the difference between a circumcised and uncircumcised penis are (and yes, I still giggle when I say penis).

I recently had to do some 'maintenance' in an unmentionable area on our male rabbit and while it wasn't fun, I got through it. If I can do that to a creature that didn't come from my body, then what is the big deal with cleaning a little gunk from around my own child's penis? Seriously, between changing a poopy diaper and cleaning up fresh vomit, doesn't pulling back the foreskin and wiping away the buildup on my own child sort of pale in comparison? For the record though, unlike in Adrienne's situation, I don't have to pull back the remainder of the foreskin to clean it, perhaps that's just in come cases.

I'm surprised at myself that I don't have lingering guilt about giving permission for my child to be strapped to a circ board like Danielle and Laura described, but I didn't know at the time that's what was done. My doctor never went into detail about it, and I do blame her in part for my lack of education about that topic. She never presented an alternate view which would have given me reason to do that extra research. Simply put, I was young and stupid and should we have another boy in the future, Zach and I will not even consider circumcision.