Here's my two cents, for all it's worth. First of all, I agree with Idona that a time out then a processing conversation is useful. Something like "What did you do to get a time out? How could you have handled it differently?" dialogue. I don't use a certain number of minutes in time out. Some people do 1 minute for a 1-year-old, 2 minutes for a 2-year-old, etc. Some people (OK, my mother) felt that using time out with a 1-year-old was ridiculous, but it did work with my son. He was very social at that age and simply removing him from other people was a punishment to him. I would only use it at that age when he hurt someone, usually pulling hair, and didn't stop after repeated warnings.
Another thing I find useful with my son (age 2) is to explain the appropriate/alternate uses for whatever object he is abusing. He went through a rock-throwing phase and after saying "stop throwing rocks!" 350 times, I finally told him that rocks are for putting in piles. It was that simple. Now he puts rocks in piles.
One more thing that works with my son (for now) is to make up a silly song about whatever he is doing. If I ask him to do something and he says no (which is mostly every time), then I sing the "no song" which goes "My name is Isaac and I like bananas and I like diggers and I like to say no,no, no". We keep going, he sings the no,no,no part and he thinks it's funny and usually does what he is supposed to do. I would caution you about doing this in public, unless of course you are at a MOMS Club function where everyone understands that you are in fact not crazy, just a mother trying to get your kid to behave!
That's about all that is in my bag of tricks. Anyone have ideas for getting kids to leave one activity and go to another, like stop playing outside now and come in and eat lunch? I've resorted to bribing with treats, which I am not proud of and Isaac's eaten his weight in fruit snacks. Also, those of you who use reward systems, at what age did you start? I'd welcome any info you can give me. Thanks!
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I tried to think about my response to this while we were away this long weekend, for every thought I had, there was always the BUT....I'll do my best! First I want to share the best 2 bits of advice I've gotten from my family.
#1 When your baby is small and getting into EVERYTHING, try to avoid saying no. Be specific by saying: "It's dangerous"; "it can break"; "It's fragile"…I'm sure you get the drift. My sister's pediatrician, who gave her this plan had the theory that this method would lessen the amount of no's you would get thrown back in your face by your child as he learns to talk. Jay and I tried this religiously, and don't you know that the first time Simon really spoke up in church was to scream "no, no, no, no, no, no." at the top of his lungs over and over. Figures doesn't it? We did find he was more mindful of our warnings however...
#2 Mealtimes. My sister always advised us that whatever was on for dinner, was it. Don't ever start making second meals or you will never stop. So that's what we do. Some nights Simon may only have a slice of bread or some peaches, but he never asks for something different, and these days when he cleans his plate-which are getting to be more frequent-just thrill me! (I never knew I would get such happiness from this! :-)
Discipline is so hard, we all have different things we will tolerate and how we deal with things. I knew that I never would be able to be consistent with the time out method, so it was something I knew I wouldn't do. If Simon did do something timeout worthy, Jay or I would pick him up, remove him from the situation and get right in his face and tell him what he had done wrong. He would cry, we would feel terrible, but it was pretty effective. :-)
Idona mentioned knowing what your child's trouble points were...I know that if Simon is tired, or hungry, there is no reasoning with him. He'll be acting out, and I'll offer a sandwich and the moment is over. Of course, if I could get him fed, before the outburst, that would be good...I'm working on it!
Bribing...yes, I admit it, I'm a big believer in the bribe. I try not to use junk food too much in the bribing but when needs must...I think this is also age relative and depends on your kid. Between 18 months and 3 years were when I found bribes most necessary. Usually used when I needed to get Simon in the car. I often kept a supply of lollipops or snack bags that hid about 5 m&m's or sweet tarts among the cheerios in my diaper bag and Simon knew if he got dressed and got in the car, he might get them. BUT-I vividly remember the getting dressed wrestle where he would scream and kick and so would I!
Taking something away from Simon was a method that never worked for us when he was younger. I usually got a "so what" response when I would threaten not to go somewhere. Considering, I usually really wanted to get out of the house, this was something I quickly stopped doing. This is when the wrestle would ensue. Once we were out and going, Simon would be fine, but as previously stated, the wrestling stage was no fun. Now that Simon is 4 the losing of a privilige (sp?) method has been working well. The threat to take a favorite video back to the library if he won't stop arguing, (or whatever the case may be) is quite effective.
When Jay and I are stumped on a Simon issue, we discuss our options, come up with a plan that we both can follow and then talk about it with Simon at a "family meeting." One thing we keep stressing is that we are in charge and what we say goes...so the meetings don't involve a lot of input on his part. We have him repeat to us what we've talked about to be sure he understands. I'm sure as he gets older and has more to say, but for now this is working for us.
Not sure if any of this helps, but it's all I've got. Again, I think the most important thing to focus on is what works best for you and your children. You have to be comfortable and confident that you can be consistent with what you plan to do. It doesn't matter what other people think or do either...what works for you is what counts! :-)P
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